Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Want It All Back...... Now!!!!

I want it all back: from the cold nights to the skipping heart beats. I want it back. I want my tears back—from when my kitten died to the countless times I have banged and bruised my head. I want my parents screaming at me because I am being mischievous, when I’m laughing on the inside because I have no intention of changing. I want my friends concerned about me. I want someone crying, begging god for me to be okay. I want it back. I want to cry over sad movies. I want to be afraid of dying. I want my hands to tremble, not from fear but from being emotional. I want to be upset over every day fights. I want to talk—freely. I want my veins to struggle to let my blood flow. I want my heart to have to work twice as hard to beat half as slow. I want it back. I want it all back......

    I want my innocence back.....
                         I want you back................

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Artificially Original..............

How many lives do I live? How many lifetimes exist within me?

No matter how much I may deny it, no matter how much I may try, I am not just me. My way was no longer genuine from the very moment I started to understand. My way of thinking, my principles, ethics, almost everything that I might claim to be mine, is influenced from everybody I know. Its something not invented, but is imbibed from the surroundings. Not even a single person, to whom I might have talked to, no matter how small that talk would have been, has not failed to implant some thought process of his on my mind.

Even if I wanted to learn every thing on my own, I cannot just shut down my senses to this world? I wonder, if the world around me, and the people who adorn the pages in history and all other literature, if all of them would somehow come alive again, and look inside me, how many of them would find a part of them, their ideologies thriving inside me? No matter how small it would be, but I am sure it would certainly be there. But then, they also learned it from somewhere, but where?

If I, myself am to look inside me, how many thoughts that I own would I find are actually my own? Am I really original, or just a myriad of different hues? Am I a master piece or just a clown stuffed with foreign ideas and draped in the tapestries from different designers?

Even now when I am writing these views here, I am still wondering, are these original and indigenous? Have I come to realize this on my own or even these questions have been asked before by someone, and I have just breathed them in like air?

I have no answer, and am pretty convinced with this fact that I would never be sure.

What about you?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

After Diwali......

Diwali's over, phew! it was a really tiring one this time. by last evening, we (at least me!) were completely sick n tired of entertaining! 

so it's all thanda now. good.

somehow it feels like it's the new year that has just started and there's this need to change things, do new things, behave differently, be a better person, set new humble goals for myself. one step at a time. 

actually one must start making changes now, so that they are in effect by 1st of January when it's actually the time to put the new resolutions into actions. I take 3 months to start acting on my reallys-imple resolves. 

but for now, i don't know what they are :)

hmm... one thing that people universally perceive about me is how selfish and sometimes insensitive i can be towards people who do a lot for me.

i obviously don't agree with that. they think i am very stubborn too. they = people who matter. not random unimportant people. 

so what about selfishness and stubbornness? nothing. can't change over night :p

the pajamas that i'm wearing need to be demoted to -- a dusting cloth. seriously.