Saturday, January 1, 2011

An year passes & I look back.......

And another one bites the dust. We are one year older, one year wiser and one year uglier than we were last year. 

This was an important year. More important than I had imagined earlier. I did so much. I broke my heart twice. I failed and succeed. I wrote obsessively. I scored. I prayed. I hated. I traveled.I infatuated myself with a stranger. I left friends behind. I moved to strange lands. I experimented with my sanity. I gave up on forever. 

Would I do it all over again if I get a chance? Probably not. Some seasons should never come back and this was one of those seasons. 

But I've learned a lot this year. I learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should, and it is not necessarily a bad thing.  And I've learned that there are things that go wrong that don't always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I've learned that good people also hurt you - no matter how good they are, at some point they are bound to hurt you too and its alright. I've learned that relationships are fickle. They should not be measured by how long you have known someone, but how deeply you have cared. And if you have truly cared for someone even for a minute, it is worth the thousand lives you are going to live without them. I've learned that some broken things stay broken, and I've learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, even when you don't have people who love you. 

 And now I stand here in this strange city, in this awful weather, trying to figure out a direction. There are no familiar faces around to guide me, no matter how hard I try to look for them, but I know why that is. They are not supposed to be here. Its my time to get up myself and figure it out. Otherwise I will never learn. 

But the good news is that once I get up and put myself together, work up the courage to turn the corner of the street I had been looking at for such a long time now, I will bump into a stranger, we will smile at each other and somehow all will be well again. Its only a matter of getting up and turning around that corner. I know I'm still a little bent, a little crooked, but I can't complain. After bearing through all kinds of abuses this year and crashing into dead ends and living through overdoses, I feel better now than I did five years ago. I might have some scar tissue, but that's alright, I'm still making progress. I hope you are too. 

So, here's to another year of kicking and struggling and loving, and working up the nerve to take that turn and find out what's around that corner.