Friday, May 27, 2011

Camouflage I

Back in those days, I lived under one such dark camouflage. Bright and sunny by the sunlight, like a many-hued everyday-happy story but a simmering grey under the moon-light, one which varied in intensity depending on the lunar cycle, depending on how closely you went to look at.

Those nights I felt like a sinner, one who had been marked for life, repentance or no repentance. I did live as if in penance, at least in my mind, but it wasn't helping my guilt. I looked around and wondered how nobody else could see it in my eyes and find out who I was. A killer, a murderer. Some nights I felt justified about my actions; my mind argued for hours the rationale, the defense. Some nights, the weight of my deeds crushed my soul and tears couldn't wash away the uncontrollable pain. Most of all there was the weight of what I had hoped and expected myself to be, and what I now thought I had become.
There were moments when I felt grateful to be free, uncaught, yet sometimes all I could wish for was to be able to confess to someone, for someone to find out and kill me. I had taken more than one life - I couldn't be the same person I used to be any longer. Emotionally, I was scarred.

And yet, I managed to survive the phase perfectly well under my camouflage. It seems remarkable how my old self became my camouflage that kept the world at bay, that kept the mornings boring till the phase - and the war inside me - ended. Back in those days...

Who am I kidding - fact is I still live under a camouflage. Probably always have. So much that I don't know if there is a real me at all after all these years hiding somewhere beneath the multiple layers........ :) 

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Decisions.....No?????!!! :) :)

It's so confusing, sad, and hurting when people turn into our weaknesses. I mean...there isn't anything to be done about it. Or maybe there is for the sane ones. But what do the emotional, sentimental ones do?

I was talking to a friend while she mentioned the two kinds of emotions, based on her experience. One kind involves extremely superficial ones like putting a facebook status about something or putting up a picture to let the 'world' know about what you feel. And then there are those silent ones, which stay deep within you - the ones that make you sulk and cry in pain. I don't know if that's judgmental and derogatory of the ones who use facebook as a tool to spread their sad state of affairs and seek attention. The reality of the matter is there are people who actually do it and get away with being all 'I'm the hurt one'.

But the people with dominant latter emotions suffer not just at the hands of people who are their weaknesses, but also at the hands of everyone else. Sometimes it makes so much sense as to why our parents begin to get apprehensive when they notice us being attached to a new friend. It's perhaps the fear of getting hurt in the end. But then..I don't know. I think I am too ambivalent about everything - which sometimes is actually good because I am less judgmental. But sometimes, it literally kills. Like really. Because you're just one step back from making a decision, which might or might not, change the course of your entire life. But then THE ambivalence takes over and makes all your analysis hazy.

But then I think should we really make decisions based on our 'analysis'. I could never understand what's going with the flow and how it works. I have to know. I can't just function with the flow. The ones who can, make me envious of their wisdom. Aah.

Here goes another post to a senseless rant. But I'm happy. At least, it's not excruciatingly sad like most posts that I remember writing in similar state of mind. Maybe I'm getter wiser...or learning to care less, which would be wiser..or maybe not.