Sunday, January 15, 2012

A Look At The Past Year.......

 I cross out another year in my life. This year has been a wonderfully incredible roller coaster ride. It was like a book brimming with 'lessons learned', like a movie with eternally blissful scenes and like a sad song which echoes of hurt, pain, regret and guilt.

This year I have realized that every minute particle that circumferences our existence is to be utterly grateful for no matter what. Every fraction of a second, every morsel, every smile, every instant of safety, home and family is to be grateful for. Nothing should be taken for granted. I have realized that there is so much more to living than meets the eye, so much more to life than the next few months or years, so much more than what we proclaim that we can ‘die for’ at this instant. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is eternal. We live temporary roles in temporary lives in temporary homes.

This year I have witnessed the crashing of a dream I have honed for nearly half my life. The depression, the bouts of insignificance, the ranting portrayed in the past many posts pertained to this 'crash'. I imagined this year or a part of it to be totally different as compared to what it turned out to be. I cried a lot about it. I am still not over it. I can not say I will never be over it but this wound will take years to heal at the minimum. I am still staring at the shards of broken dreams and shattered fantasies that continue to gnaw the innards of me. This will take time to get over. This will take a lot of time to get over. Faces, words, ideas, perceptions, results, questions and the many strings attached will haunt me. I wanted 'it' so bad. I prayed, worked, hoped and dared to dream. It crumbled before my eyes.

I have learned that there is beauty in every ounce of imperfection, that it is okay to be insignificant, that it is okay to not be the best every single time. Yes, it hits you hard in the face at times but it has to be dealt with. It is as simple as that. Life's to be dealt with. Life's to be lived. I am dealing with the worst set-backs I can imagine at this stage but the point is I have seen people suffer through much more magnanimous and much more harsher setbacks, so my life is pretty good.

This year I have lived life in little moments; I have lived to the maximum in random bursts of laughter, in the warm comforts of old socks and sweaters, in trips to a little general store, in reading Gone with the Wind on a rainy July evening, in midnight-to-morning conversations, in laughs on the college stairs, in family gup-shup sessions constituent of dry fruit and tea, in singing everything from 'Afreen' to 'Hey There, Delilah' on cold afternoons, in photographs, through words, through poetry and music, in concocting utterly fictional stories with the best of friends, in reliving old moments,  in dreaming about new ones… ...

This year I have realized that people are fake and materialistic, that they are living in constant globules of pretentious shit and that hypocrisy is as vital to an average human being as breathing. People take you seriously – or consider you worthy of trust, conversation or friendship – as long as you are living on a specific and a standardized status of living. Other than that, you matter less to them than the beep of the microwave. Unfortunately for them, the reverse is also true. It really is. We just fail to comprehend it at times.

This year I came to terms with the fact that, ‘We don’t own people. We only think we do.’ People and friends are not ‘ours’ as much as we label or think them to be. We do not own people. People do not own us. That is the way of life. 

I can drone on and on about things I have learned, realized and stumbled upon but I guess for now this will do. I have had the best year and I have had the worst year. There have been highs and there have been dreadfully, hurtfully, horribly torturous lows. However, like I said I am grateful for them too because what does not kill you only makes you stronger, my 'lows' are higher than the 'lows' of numerous others and even higher than the 'highs' of some, every mistake, failure, fall is a lesson learned and better sooner than later. This year I have had a chance to know some terrific people, I have gotten much closer to older ones, I have had to let go of some along the way. I can not say that I have grown any wiser. I can not say that I have grown up. I have seen my friends grow up; however, I reside on an entirely perpendicular plane. I am still an irrational ball of overflowing emotions, dreams and sentiments. I still brim with rudeness, selfishness, lethargy, jealousy, envy, hatred and sarcasm. I do not have any solid resolutions whatsoever. I just hope and pray for the best....... :)